This Christmas looks a little different for me…
If you know me personally, then you know that aside from my very public fight, I’ve also endured some very personal trauma this year. You know that I’m still adjusting to the many changes in my life that have taken place over the past several months. Some days are amazing, some are lonelier than others, and some are downright frightening. I admit that the uncertainty on this journey has at times burdened my heart.
For these reasons, for the first time, I chose to spend Christmas alone. After my time advocating in NYC, I headed up to Maine. My best friend has a beach house here that she welcomes me to stay in whenever I find myself in need; with her friendship of nearly 30 years, I have been infinitely blessed. I love and appreciate her more than she will ever know.
I decided to come here and spend a few days in solitude, reflection, and prayer. 🙏💖
I’ve been through every emotion you can imagine. Sadness, fear, loneliness…My eyes have been wet with tears throughout most of my stay.
Sometimes I still find myself falling victim to my own expectations; even when I know full well that expectation leads to disappointment, every time. 💔I’m a Pisces though, what can I say? It’s just par for the course with us, we dream big.😊 I realized I was spending far too much time lamenting, and not nearly enough time in reflection and prayer. I wanted to find a balance; this was my entire purpose for being in this silo; to realign.
For those of you who know me well, you know that this is usually the happiest time of the year for me. I love everything about Christmas. The sights, the sounds, the smells. The feeling of peace and love I feel during the holidays typically surpasses any other; but not this year. I did none of the things that typically bring me such great joy. There was no baking, no lights, no movies, no music, no Christmasing at all. None of it. There are many who find themselves in a similar way, many who are in far worse situations, for different reasons. Christmas just looks different for us this year, and that’s ok.
Although I have stood strong in my faith throughout this journey, I will admit that my mind has a tendency to wander in and out of this negative space at times, thinking of every single “what if” scenario I can possibly conjure up. I have believed and continue to believe in God’s provisions for me, even as I near the end of my resources with frightening rapidity, I still believe in my heart that somehow, He will make a way for me. 🙏
So there I was on Christmas eve, feeling alone, dejected, and frightened by the uncertainty of my future, when I remembered the one festive thing I had with me. A bottle of Coquito, gifted to me as I was leaving NYC by my friend, Sophy. What I didn’t notice at the time she handed me the bottle, was that it held a message…
“Give thanks for unknown blessings that are already on the way”
In that moment, my heart was so full of gratitude. I was grateful for strangers who became friends, and friends who became family to stand together for such a time as this. I was grateful for just one more example of God’s MANY reassurances along this journey; they have been such a comfort to me.
Suddenly, I had a reason to smile, despite having many reasons not to. All it took was ONE reason to change the entire trajectory of my mindset.
Now I know what you’re thinking…that must have been some damn good coquito!! 😁(which, it was amazing, btw!),but that wasn’t the reason. It was the simple reminder, that I needed in that moment. The reassurance, that I am not alone. I never have been, I never will be.
As I was enjoying my wintery treat, I came across this video, at the very moment my heart and soul needed to hear this message. I’m continually amazed by God’s timing. Watch and Pray:
“We Need to take heart, to be BOLD and to have COURAGE; We need not be afraid.”
“Could God be coming into your life through what appears to be a storm? Could the Lord be working in the storm, through the storm, and in the storm, so that he can get closer and closer to you. Could he be saying, the storm you think will destroy you, is the very thing I will use to strengthen you, to uplift you, to bless you. Take heart, do not be afraid.”
Dear Lord Jesus, my savior and my redeemer. Help me through this storm I’m in. Be with me Lord. Draw closer to me as I reach out for your hand. If it is your will that I should go through the storm, then I pray that my faith would be strengthened and it would grow as I am tested by this fire. May you refine and purify my faith; may this storm develop a Godly character within me. May it lead me to discover the power of God, because it is only during a storm that I can find you to be an ever-present help in the time of trouble.
Help me to develop my faith Lord, so that my faith will go from one level to another; so that my belief in you will go from one level, to another. Holy spirit, I pray that you would open my eyes and help me recognize the favor that I have over my life, despite the storm that I face. Help me to focus purely on Jesus Christ. Help me so that I don’t become preoccupied with all the things that could happen, but instead fill me with an assured confidence in the God of the ages.
Father, may you always order my steps in everything I do. Wherever I may go, guide me and lead me, for you are my good shepherd. Your word says in Psalms 23, verse 3, He restores my soul, He leads me in the path of righteousness, for His name’s sake.
Help me to embrace whatever comes my way with faith and the knowledge that you are greater than any storm or situation I may face. Your great love displaces all fear. It dispels darkness, and so may your name always be praised for such an amazing love.
Romans 8, Verse 38-40 says, for I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers; nor things present , nor things to come, nor powers, nor height , nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, in Jesus Christ our Lord.
As I face the storms of life, I pray for peace; a supernatural and divine peace that will calm my fears and anxieties. I pray for a peace that will settle my troubled heart and allow me to place my trust wholly in you. Lord, with your presence, there is security. There is tranquility and peace that removes all burdens. With your holy peace, I will be able to press on through any storm and endure to the end. Father, through faith I believe that you are a sovereign God who is in control. May your holy spirit continue to empower me to stand firm, and to stand strong. Comfort me when I falter, I will continue to wait on you father, for your word says, but they who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
I thank you Lord for holding me together each and every day. Whenever I have needed you, you have been there for me. Whenever I have called on your name, you have heard my cry each and every time I have called. Cover me with your blood, Lord Jesus. Thank you for listening to this prayer.
When I meet people, sometimes I can just tell that they are struggling with their faith, for whatever reason. I wonder if God wants to use me as a living testimony as to what He can do; all the ways that He can move in their lives? I have given up a lot, I have practically nothing left, and that’s ok. I have no regrets. All I have ever prayed for on this journey is sustenance, and He has sustained me throughout. I have no reason to doubt that his provisions for me will continue. I may not be rich in possessions, but I am rich in blessings, even in the storm.
Of all of the things that I can be in this life and in this world, I pray that God will use me to be a blessing to another.
Merry Christmas!
Wishing you all a blessed holiday. Thank you so much for your continued support of the work that we are doing at Nurse Freedom Network.
We are looking forward to an incredible year ahead with Remnant Nursing, and with all of you, as we work together to shift the paradigm and bring health back to healthcare.
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Yes, this was and is a very different Christmas. I left my hospital job b/c of the vaccine mandate after 44 years at the bedside. It was a fantastic 11 months of retirement till last month when my youngest sister was diagnosed with an inoperable and rare mediastinal tumor and my husband was diagnosed 6 weeks later with oral cancer. Your message really resonated with me. I hope you took lots of long walks on the beach, slept late and ate well during your time in Maine. I have enjoyed listening to you on America Out Loud and I think you have found a new calling. Merry Christmas to a kindred spirit, as Anne of Green Gables said often about her friends.
Thank you, fellow RN. This helped me today. Merry Christmas and God Bless you